Most of my blog posts are about my "making" -- of things. Re-purposing fabric, floss and fibre into art and utilitarian objects. I write about process, progress, practice.
But those of you who've been following my blog for the nearly 20 years it's been around, and those of you who know me personally, will have also read some of the other sorts of musings I've shared in this space. This post is one of that kind.
I've been keeping an almost-daily journal for over 30 years now. I kept a diary as a teen -- as most teen girls did back in the day -- but that's not what I mean. In January of the year I was turning forty, I started to write in the style of Julia Cameron's "Morning Pages": three pages a day, stream of consiousness, first thing in the morning. Nowadays it's more often a single page, sometimes two -- but it's still 'stream of consciousness', and still (usually) first thing in the morning. It's where I'm "real" -- trying to get "stuff" out of my head and onto the page. It helps to start the day in a better frame of mind, and removes some of the creative blocks to which we're all prone.
But by evening time, the "Demons" often return, and it's a battle once again to deal with them appropriately. This morning I listed my particular "Demons" on the page, and thought I'd share them with you, in case you might have the same ones. Knowing we're not alone in these battles can be a comfort and an encouragement.
- Of dying before my work is done;
- Of losing more people I love and care about;
- Of my children dying before me;
- Of the US government's collapsing and taking Canada and the rest of the democratic world down with it, leaving fascists in control;
- Of losing my memory;
- Of losing any and all sense of purpose.
- That God is really Emmanuel -- "God with us" -- rather than that old vision of the clock-maker who set the world ticking and went off to watch from a distance;
- That I am never enough: never good enough, never doing enough; never wise enough; never loving enough; never generous enough. Just never measuring up.
- For God to DO something about what we humans cannot seem to control: greed, corruption, conspiracy theories, entitlement, power-hunger, fear and anger;
- For PEACE -- internally and externally;
- For LOVE -- especially from my children.
Much of what you said, I feel too. I'd add frustration to your list.
Stay safe, and may you find the light of the season.
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