Fear and Longing in the Holidays

 

Most of my blog posts are about my "making" -- of things.  Re-purposing fabric, floss and fibre into art and utilitarian objects.  I write about process, progress, practice.

But those of you who've been following my blog for the nearly 20 years it's been around, and those of you who know me personally, will have also read some of the other sorts of musings I've shared in this space.  This post is one of that kind.

I've been keeping an almost-daily journal for over 30 years now.  I kept a diary as a teen -- as most teen girls did back in the day -- but that's not what I mean.  In January of the year I was turning forty, I started to write in the style of Julia Cameron's "Morning Pages": three pages a day, stream of consiousness, first thing in the morning.  Nowadays it's more often a single page, sometimes two -- but it's still 'stream of consciousness', and still (usually) first thing in the morning.  It's where I'm "real" -- trying to get "stuff" out of my head and onto the page.  It helps to start the day in a better frame of mind, and removes some of the creative blocks to which we're all prone.

But by evening time, the "Demons" often return, and it's a battle once again to deal with them appropriately.  This morning I listed my particular "Demons" on the page, and thought I'd share them with you, in case you might have the same ones.  Knowing we're not alone in these battles can be a comfort and an encouragement.

Here goes:

FEAR...

• Of dying before my work is done;
• Of losing more people I love and care about;
• Of my children dying before me;
• Of the US government's collapsing and taking Canada and the rest of the democratic world down with it, leaving fascists in control;
• Of losing my memory;
• Of losing any and all sense of purpose.

ANGER... accompanies each and every one of those fears.

DOUBT...

• That God is really Emmanuel -- "God with us" -- rather than that old vision of the clock-maker who set the world ticking and went off to watch from a distance;
• That I am never enough: never good enough, never doing enough; never wise enough; never loving enough; never generous enough.  Just never measuring up.

LONGING...

• For God to DO something about what we humans cannot seem to control: greed, corruption, conspiracy theories, entitlement, power-hunger, fear and anger;
• For PEACE -- internally and externally;
• For LOVE -- especially from my children.

LONELINESS...speaks for itself; and

GRIEF...about all of the above.

Recently, a couple of Anglican parishes with which I'm familiar posted about their up-coming "Blue Christmas" services.  I've never been to one of these -- for fear I couldn't bear it and would collapse completely in a weepy puddle.  My British heritage quakes at the thought of not 'bucking up' -- keeping calm and carrying on.

And most of the time in this space, that's what you see me doing.

But sometimes, as in the aftermath of a house fire just down the block on one of the darkest, coldest nights of the year, when I've tried to help by taking coffee to the first responders, helmets and protective suits glazed with ice, huddling in the 'shelter truck' -- when I was helped by only one other near neighbour, who owns the local cafe, who went to her shop and brought back more coffee, hot chocolate, cookies and beefy snacks for them -- well...

Thinking about the poor soul, troubled by his own demons, estranged from family, soothed by alcohol, living rough in his own house until on that night his resources failed and it burned around his unconsious form...

The Demons come calling, trying to 'get' me too.  So I share these thoughts in this space, writing out the Demons to expose them to the clear light of day, and to the love and prayers of those who might be reading, and might be fighting the same ones -- and perhaps others -- too.

I cling to the hope that the Light -- symbolized by the candles for Hanukkah, Advent and Christmas -- really does shine in the darkness -- and the hope that the darkeness will never overcome it.

Winding Up the Master Class

A Gentle Reader pointed out in a recent e-mail that I'd not revealed what EB thought of  my November piece, "Light Prevails".  Sure enough, I've been so busy with the refugee quilts and Christmas gifts, that I've not shared this with you...nor have I divulged what December brings as the Master Class 2015 winds down.

"Light Reveals", now hangs in my studio window, where it catches the light and occasionally revolves gently in the air from the furnace.   Here's what EB had to say about my effort for this piece:

I really applaud your experimental spirit!!  You had an idea...and you just went for it and followed it through.  The quilt is very different from any I've ever seen and shows great creativity - and boldness - cutting it in two!  I love the idea of the cut and the lamé - might be worthwhile experimenting with another piece with the same idea.  Perhaps another top you've made and discarded because it just did not have much oomph?  you could try doing even more cuts.

I think it was a good idea to put the stone on the bottom to add weight...you might have even had a little more weight there...because the top is quite substantial.

I do like the domed "roof" ....that finishes it off very well.  And, as you say, while I can't see how it relates to the assignment of working from a photograph (!) that really doesn't matter: you tried something new, you explored, you created and solved problems...and you had fun!

I am very pleased with this result...and yes, have had an idea for at least one more piece that hangs...and has slices take out of it and replaced with the lame.  I don't have a great deal of lame on hand, so may have to scout around for some...but that's a challenge for the new year.  I've made a sketch of this new idea, and will turn to it when I next have opportunity.

Meanwhile, EB is teaching another dyeing class at the Academy of Quilting in January...and I am giving serious thought to signing on -- not because I haven't taken classes on dyeing but because in this class she will instruct on creating 'neutrals' and also creating long-lasting dye that I don't have to recreate every time I turn around.  I'm looking forward to it!

Now...what about December?  It's the month of "examen" -- i.e. assessment.  There is not a requirement for a new piece, but there are a couple of assignments suggested...

Here, in part, is what I wrote in response to the "examen"...

·        Strengths:

o   What have I learned this year?

§  New skills:

·    Extracting the ‘main thing’ from an inspirational photo, not getting so caught up in the details (though I have learned how to do this, it still makes my brain hurt!);

·    Working in monochrome;

·    Working larger than 15” square.

§  Old skills sharpened:

·     Facing and finishing a piece – smoother and with better ‘corners’;

·     Free-motion quilting – more work to be done yet!

o   What has improved?

§  My level of confidence:

·     In my ability to increase the quality of my work;

·     In the actual quality of my work;

§  My level of willingness/openness and confidence:

·     To experiment with new techniques;

·     To move more deeply into a source of inspiration;

·     To enter work into more exhibits, especially those that are juried.*

*To this point: I entered 3 of my EB assignment pieces into SAQA's Call for Entries for "My Corner of the World: Canada" -- and will find out by Dec. 31 what the result is.  My daughter has also agreed to show with me at a booth at the Annual Art Show and Sale in Lacombe in April, 2016...

And I wrote:

·        Weaknesses:

o   Principal weakness: working with size and proportion

§  I really struggle to translate an object in the correct proportions

·         This is a particular challenge when it is a figure such as a building or a creature:

o   Example: the birds of “At the Feeder” in the February assignment on ‘Movement’.

o   Secondary weakness: extracting key elements

§  I struggle with getting caught up in background details that can be eliminated;

§  I struggle to relax and not be so literal in my work.

§  See above note about how hard this is on my brain!

"At the Feeder" before finishing

And then...she gave us an...

• Assignment:
• Revisit the ‘feeder’ but do it differently.
• Instead of whole cloth, work in fused applique (closer to usual style);
• Instead of expressing movement with thread-work, try to capture it in fabric by means of the shape and location of the birds and the feeder.
• Don’t fuss:
• About the breeds of birds; make them any colour;
• About the contents of the feeder;
• About the colour of the background; or
• About the hanger for the feeder, the trees, grass or sky.


•  Revisit the “failed” Rhythm piece.
• Cut it up and re-configure.

And I cautioned...that nothing would get done before Christmas!  ;-)

At this point I interjected a Personal Assessment, based on EB's own recent blog post about 'favourite quilts' - "The Quilts That Made Them Happy":

o   Favourites:

§  January – Value: ‘The Old Corral’ – because it was the first time I faced making a landscape using only one colour;

§  March – Line: ‘Prairie Spring’ – because I saw I could take an inspiration from an early, contemporary piece, convert it to what looks like a traditional piece, and by use of colour selection, fabrics, techniques and the quilting stitches, make it contemporary and artful again.

§  June – Layers: ‘Off the Beaten Path’ – my first experiment with stencils and layers of trees; the results pleased me no end.  This one has gone to a gallery and I hope to recreate it for an Art Show & Sale in April 2016.

§  July – Rhythm: ‘Add Some Red, She Said’ – because I learned yet again to be less literal with an idea.

§  October – Mood: ‘Becalmed’ – because it just came together so well.

This was followed by a request for evaluation of the class per se: lessons, etc.  I won't go into that here.   :-)

Suffice to say that this past year has been worth the investment -- and was a great value for the $$ expended.    I would recommend it...and hope Elizabeth will continue to provide this program for as long as she is able ...and as long as budding artists want to participate.

What's up next?

I returned this month to my 15 x 15 group and have prepared my materials for samples re: our next theme -- but likely won't work on any of that till after Christmas.  We are exhibiting more, which requires that we continue to keep our work fresh and well executed!

I've a full year ahead with pieces I want to work on -- not the least of which is the Japanese-style taupe quilt for my DS' wedding in July.

I still have my twice-a-week job at The Shop (which I love) and I continue to feel a call toward some charity work, whether it be quilting or knitting.

And...I remain a the SAQA Co-Rep (Alberta) for the Western Canada Region until...well...about a year from now...so...Onward and upward!

Meanwhile, I am glad I get to share both my work and my challenges with you, Gentle Readers... and with my colleagues over at Nina Marie's Off the Wall Friday.  This week she talks about gifts for creative kids.  My "kids" (30 and 34) are already pretty creative...but if you've younger ones or grandchildren in your life...you might take note!

All for now...

P.S. Please pardon any changes in font you see.  I am too tired this evening to dig into the html and "fix" them.  Thank you for your patience!  :-)

First *REAL* Snow

Sure, we've had a couple of skiffs...but starting yesterday afternoon, it came down.  And down.  And down.  The world outside my wee home is all white.  The sun is just starting to nudge through the cloud cover, and the wind remains high and brisk.

Underneath the snow pack -- at least, on the roads -- is a layer of ice, so...I'm home, effectively snowed in.  I don't make any $$ when I'm not at work, but I figure it's worth my life to stay home and stitch.

Yesterday I worked on two projects.

First I finished the "bird-house mini" I started some time ago, before I was overtaken with the urge to make "Snowy Evening".  :-)  I've made several of these bird-house pieces in several seasons...but the winter one(s) seem to be favourites.  To satisfy Gracie's request for two winter scenes, I decided I'd better get this one done!

As I stitched, I listened/watched several videos on YouTube, mostly about making art. I particularly enjoyed revisiting episodes of "Craft in America" and the "Art City: Simplicity" film featuring Agnes Martin, Amy Adler, Joan Snyder, Richard Tuttle and others.  It dawned on me that I'd begun this piece with a certain level of "same old, same old"...but somewhere through the afternoon that feeling dropped away and I became simply, quietly, gently, a maker*.

"No One Home" - under construction 

Thus the change in my blog title, at least for a little while.

No One Home (C) 2015

No One Home - Detail

I took my EBMC piece with me into the evening.  I'd spent part of Sunday on it too -- daring to quilt the panels...then slash them part-way:

Next, I trimmed back the excess batting along the edges of the slit:

Inserting a bias strip of gold lame into the opening, I pinned it heavily and sewed down one side and then the other -- et voila!  When I held it up to the light...

It comes shining through!

To finish the piece, I bound the sides:

And added "stone" to the top and bottom...for the window was inspired (as you may recall) by those in buildings in that photo from York, UK provided by EB for this assignment.

I haven't put a sleeve on it yet, so to send photos of it to EB, I had to lay it on my design wall, first one side...

And then the other...

Light Prevails.

10" W x 37" L

When ready, I will hang it in a window.

*Why can't someone just simply...make something?  I mean, it doesn't matter if it's on paper or out of concrete, or what-have-you...it's the fact that something is made where there had been nothing before.                                                                                                                                                   -- Richard Tuttle

Linking up with WIP Wednesday on The Needle and Thread Network.  Before I go a-shovelling, I'm going to knit, just a bit...